DOG SHORT I
DOG SHORT II
Author Archive for Daniel-San
I was a young, innocent Freshman at Syracuse University when I sat down for my first class in film school. The failed writer/director, known as my professor, started class with this sickening statement:
“Film school will ruin your enjoyment of watching movies forever.”
I was horrified. The reason I went to film school was because I loved movies. And now it was going to be ruined? No, it couldn’t happen, it couldn’t- I thoroughly enjoyed going to the movies and, often times, movies really made me ponder such important themes like fate, fatherly love, or how a young hockey team that just won a championship against the entire world could now not even beat their high school’s Varsity team. And at this moment, I was apparently losing it all.
Well, after I had contemplated immediately jumping out the window and running to a nice and safe Poly-Sci degree, I stuck around for four years. And you know what, that professor was right. Now I watch movies and all I can think about is ‘why did they make that cut there? Did they have nothing else to cut away to?’ OR ‘Are we in the 3rd act now, where’s the all is lost moment?’ OR ‘Wow, they wasted two hundred grand putting this song in the movie’- it goes on and on. I rarely even go to the movies anymore. All I do is watch the Law and Order Franchises and laugh at the latest ADA Dick Wolf must be sleeping with.
But it wasn’t until just recently that I realized that another one of my true loves was being ruined as well. Film school had done the same thing to me with movies that the Mainstream Sports Media was doing to me with Sports.
Ever since Barry Bonds hit 73 Home Runs, the Mainstream Sports Media only seems to have one angle on every story: steroids. And everyone writes a performance enhancing drugs story, even if it isn’t warranted. 41-year-old Olympic Swimmer Dara Torres was accused of taking something illegal by almost everyone in the Mainstream Media. I couldn’t even enjoy a great story like that about someone who inspires people that I have nothing in common with- because all I’m thinking about are performance enhancing drugs. I can’t even go to a Dodger Game and enjoy a Home Run. Instead, I’m studying the player’s biceps and assuming he’s on something.
Frankly, I got sick and tired of baseball five years ago when ESPN led every Sportscenter with a BALCO story. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Dan Patrick’s radio show turned into him talking about how no one wanted to talk about Steroids anymore- by incessantly talking about it!
Baseball was my first love- I studied the backs of my Topps and Donruss Baseball Cards until I had figured out who had the most Home Runs in the 80’s or how many Yankees were born in January- I played catch with my father every night until I blamed my errors on the lack of light- I fell asleep every summer night listening to Phil Rizzuto not call the game in front of him, but talk about the nice old lady he met on his way to the ballpark that afternoon… But now Baseball is virtually ruined for me. The more I paid attention to the Mainstream Media’s coverage of sports, rightly so or not, the less enjoyment I got out of it.
And I’m not saying I want it back to the olden days where sports journalists kept Athletes’ dark sides hidden from the general public- I love the annual Matt Leinart story just as much as the next guy- but the main difference is that that story mainly makes its rounds on Sports Blogs, where Bloggers have no limitations and always have to try to find the next big story or give the next unique opinion. Sports Blogs are almost forced to forget about yesterdays headline and come up with new material constantly- or else they lose their readership and their good name.
There seems to be almost an infinite amount of interesting stories out there- but networks like ESPN and mainstream newspapers don’t ever seem to search for the next story- they just keep banging on what everyone else is covering until they’ve just straight up killed it and almost ruined sports for me. I turn on Sportscenter because I want to hear original analysis and I want to see highlights- I don’t want to listen to people talk about Brett Favre for the first 20 minutes of every show. And if I wanted a so-called “hard news” story like steroids, I’d turn on CNN or just watch Outside the Lines.
Maybe that’s why Will Leitch- or Jesus or whoever- invented Sports Blogs. Sports Blogs are for the guys who ESPN ruined. Guys like me.
From “The Adam Carolla Show”, Adam portrays Bill Simmons after Tom Brady’s injury:
Link
I have a feeling Carolla doesn’t respect what Simmons does for a living. I wonder what he would think of me, then?
- John, please stop trying to raise your arms. I know some stupid Republican adviser has told you to not look weak and waive your arms around, but you just can’t. You’re old and injured. So don’t. It’s really not a big deal- doesn’t effect your candidacy. You look weaker when you struggle raising your arms than if you just didn’t do it at all. You look like Frankenstein.
- Bill Gates’ shaking ass has replaced the dog-kidnapper in my nightmares.
- Buffalo News writer Bob DiCesare has the same feeling that I have about Marshawn Lynch: You hit a girl with your SUV (possibly while drunk), left the scene of the accident, and you are mad at the media for reporting this? If it’s true, then you’re an idiot; if it’s not true, then stop your silence with the media for just a minute and tell everyone why you are not speaking with the media.
- I went to The Getty over the weekend and was surprised to see a blind guy walking through the museum. Now, he was led by another old man so he wasn’t knocking down the sculptures or anything… but still- it’s an entirely visual museum. There’s no soft jazz music or anything playing in the background. It just seemed to accomplish as much as a deaf guy with headphones on his ears.
Kevin Craft is to redemption what I am to writing articles that no one reads nor cares about.
The third-string UCLA Bruins Quarterback, who was starting due to injuries, actually didn’t start off the game that bad. He completed several passes and moved the Bruins to Field Goal range. Then, something happened.
He began playing worse than Luke Wilson after Gwyneth Paltrow married Bill Murray in The Royal Tennenbaums.
Kevin Craft, literally, just threw the ball to the other team. Four times. In the 1st Half. After the 3rd one you could see new Head Coach Rick Neuheisel just start screaming at him when he reached the sidelines. It appeared he was shouting, “Come on! That was right to him! Come on! That’s three!”
And just when Neuheisel thought it couldn’t get any worse, Craft inexplicably threw right at Tennessee Defensive Back Nevin McKenzie with less than 30 seconds left to go in the half to break the tie and put the Volunteers up 7 at the half.
That interception was the back-breaker of all back-breakers. It reminded me of Frank Reich’s awful throw right at Bubba McDowell in the legendary Bills/Oilers 1993 Wildcard Playoff Game. That put the Oilers up 35-3 about a minute and a half into the 2nd Half. Yes, the point differential does not compare, but in that situation Frank Reich didn’t have time to think about it and had to get right back on the field and lead a touchdown scoring drive. In Craft’s case, he had to go to the lockerroom with an entire team just staring at him, knowing he was the reason they were down and probably the reason they could not win. That’s even more painful and harder to come back from; having to stew in the lockerroom for 20 minutes and just let the failure sink in.
But as you all know, Craft never made those awful throws in the 2nd Half and led UCLA on two very long scoring drives in the 4th Quarter. Will this lead to a great season for the fastest goat-to-hero ever on the Westwood campus? I sincerely doubt it. Everything seemed to go right for UCLA this game and Ben Olson will probably come back and start two games before he gets injured again and Craft will have to then come back in during a very tough PAC-10 stretch run.
A great win for a program that is looking to build some momentum in the Cardinal and Gold draped city, but it’s back to work for Neuheisel and crew. In two weeks they have to travel to play a very good BYU team and although I wish them the best, they will most likely be knocked down from this Cloud 9- probably to Cloud 2, which is actually just a bunch of LA smog and a 5-7 record.
It’s a trade that will get a ton of play because Patrick Ewing, Jr. is now a member of the team that was luckily awarded his father over a dozen years earlier, but it means so much more to myself and other Knicks Fans.
The Knicks traded the rights of the one and only French Dunking Dummy, Frederick Weis.
The French Media called it “le dunk de la mort” - the dunk of death - and it truly was, for the 7′2″ Frenchman’s NBA career- but also for the New York Knicks’ Franchise.
The Knicks were coming off a Finals appearance in the strike shortened 1999 season, one without the usual help from their Hall of Fame center, Patrick Ewing. They were an 8-seed who made the Finals, but still an 8-seed, so they had the 15th pick overall, just out of the lottery.
So instead of opting for local favorite Ron Artest- or foreign born players like Andrei Kirilenko, Wang Zhizhi, Todd MacCulloch, or Manu Ginobili- they went with the, well… tall Weis, who would try to come over from Europe in a year or two.
The following season the Knicks went 50-32 and made it to the Eastern Conference Finals.
But then THAT dunk happened. The United States was taking on the French national team at the 2000 Sydney Olympics when that stupid Guard for France tried to make a pathetic behind-the-back pass. Vince Carter stole it and the rest is history. The greatest dunk of all-time not only changed a man’s life, but set the Knicks’ Franchise into a tailspin that almost ten years later they are still trying to get out of.
Soon after the Olympics ended, the Knicks traded the beloved Patrick Ewing to the Seattle SuperSonics. They have never made it out of the First Round since. A wasted 1st Round Pick who seemed to have been embarrassed into staying overseas for his entire life was the reason for this decline. No, not the sole reason, but like the Billy Goat and the Chicago Cubs, the Knicks needed to exercise this demon before they could officially move on.
And now they can. Frederick Weis is now the property of the Houston Rockets. It’s just an added bonus that the Knicks get back the son of their own “Goldenchild”.
So, Houston- denounce those rights this minute. You don’t want any of that cursed Frenchman.
Trust me.
Unless, of course, you want someone to stand next to Yao at all times to have him not look like a freakishly tall stick figure that runs awkwardly and will never play in all 82 games of a season in his career and will probably not be able to play past 32.
Then, and only then, is this trade worth the possible cursed implications for the Rockets.
Hillary Clinton must just be absolutely furious right now.
She’s gotta be thinking that McCain could easily keel over in a couple years and then, suddenly, she’s not the first woman President, but instead a first-term female Governor of such a sparsely populated state is thrust into history.
Oh, and she rocks the pants-suit hotter than you ever could, Hillary.
The media will soon bombard you with the idea that Sarah Palin could beat Barack Obama in basketball. She was the starting Point Guard on the lower division State Champion basketball team in High School and once even said, ”Everything I need to know, I learned on the basketball court.” Man, I can’t wait until Charles Barkley uses that line when running for Governor of Alabama.
After finishing 2nd in the Miss Wasilla Pageant, Sarah Palin majored in Journalism at the University of Idaho and was actually a Sports Reporter in Anchorage (which I guess explains the RUDY-themed entrance music, I don’t know).
I’m going to appear to stay impartial here, but I do have to just say one thing… her kids’ names are: Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow, and Trig.
So she’s that Mom.
(and who wants a VP with a daughter with the same name as the city where the Evil-Four-Letter resides)
- The real loser in the whole 9-year-old Jericho Scott Little League ban story? The now-not-originally-named New York Jets Wide Receiver, Jerricho Cotchery.
- The Los Angeles Lakers reported that Kobe Bryant has not decided yet when he is going to have surgery on his pinky. He is going to take a few days to contemplate the situation. ”Contemplate the situation”? He injured his pinky before the freaking All-Star Game. He hasn’t had time yet to schedule his surgery? For someone who was so anti-Shaq, especially Shaq’s “I got hurt on company time, I’ll heal on company time”, Kobe better not miss even a second of training camp. What is there to think about? You need to fix your finger, you’ve been playing hurt. It takes about a month to heal. In the words of your omnipotent sponsor… JUST DO IT
- The Los Angeles Dodgers have basically the same record before and after the Manny Ramirez trade, including 2 wins in the last 9 games and 4 straight losses since Manny cut his hair, even if it was ever so slightly. The requirement by Joe Torre for Manny to cut his hair, along with a ton of close losses, pitching problems, and still some alleged problems in the clubhouse, is causing Dodger fans to speak out against the Brooklyn born Manager. I don’t really think these fans actually believe that Manny’s shorter hair is really negatively affecting him- but, Man, it sure seems like it. Maybe LA fans are really this stupid. Maybe they just need something to complain about. It’s just too nice here everyday. It makes you stupid.
As all of my reader(s) know, I love rap about sports.
So, because of that love, I must re-distribute (AKA blatantly re-post other people’s hard-earned content) this quick rap about LeBron James from over a year ago, but just now making its rounds on the Internets.
The biggest Sports Talk Radio Show in Los Angeles (possibly the biggest radio market if you cede that people in New York are on public transportation and don’t get the radio) had it’s main host and co-host, basically, not believe in LeBron. But it was soo much more than not believing; they belittled him.
So this had to happen to them:
We all should learn something from CAVSBOARD.com. Your eyes don’t lie. Admit to greatness when you see it or can see it coming. Admit to reason. Stop being unreasonable, even if you think it creates “ratings”. “PTI” works because Wilbon and Kornheiser are good together, not because they disagree all the time (which they don’t). That’s why I don’t watch “Around the Horn” or anything Skip Bayless does. Someone has told them to just dissent to whatever is reasonable because it gets good ratings. Although there is some point to that (intelligent and thoughtful, yet passionate discussion of differing sides is good TV or Radio), but that LA Radio Host (Steve Hartman) just differs from the norm for the hell of it. It is almost unlistenable at times when he tries to corner people for any statement they make, when the public can clearly tell what is meant.