Have you ever wanted to learn tennis from Pete Sampras, basketball from Luke Walton, boxing from Sugar Shane, sportscasting from Dick Enberg, and baseball from Todd Zeile, all in the same week? Probably not, but now you’ll get your chance… for the low, low price of $30,000.
Here’s the basic idea: the “Ultimate Sports Fantasy Camp” (USFC) is trying to combine tennis, basketball, baseball, boxing, and sportscasting, all into one camp. There have been celebrity camps before, but only of a single sport (there’s obviously a reason for that). But now you get to join a number of athletes in a “fun-filled, action packed week of sports, camaraderie, great food, and beautiful sunsets.” Sunsets? I’m paying $30 Grand for sunsets? If I pay you $30,000, you better let me pretend to be Nolan Ryan and tell Robin Ventura to just take it.
In the Hall of Fame of bad ideas, this one has to rank right up there with letting Isiah Thomas run your business. The “Ultimate Sports Fantasy Camp” is billing itself as the “First ever weeklong Sports Fantasy Camp” - “first ever” because no one is interested in tennis, boxing, basketball, baseball, and broadcasting combined. Many people might be interested in one, maybe two, maybe even three of those things- but please show me the person who wants to get balls hit to them by Pete Sampras’ sister (who is not much of a looker, I must say) and a day later get punched in the face by Sugar Ray Leonard. That person doesn’t exist.
Admittedly, they did get some good names (emphasis on the word “some”). Here’s a run down:
TENNIS
14 Time Grand Slam Champion PETE SAMPRAS
UCLA Women’s Head Tennis Coach STELLA SAMPRAS
WTA Tour Player BETHANIE MATTEK
BASKETBALL
Hall-of-Famer JAMES WORTHY
Los Angeles Laker LUKE WALTON
Golden State Warrior and NBA All-Star BARON DAVIS
New Jersey Net RICHARD JEFFERSON
BASEBALL
Hall-of-Famer FRANK ROBINSON
Former MLB Player ERIC KARROS (Dodgers, Cubs, A’s)
Former MLB Player ROBIN VENTURA (Yankees, Dodgers, White Sox)
Former MLB Player TODD ZEILE (Mets, Dodgers, Yankees)
BOXING
Five Time World Champion/Host of ESPN’s “The Contender” SUGAR RAY LEONARD
Three Time World Champion SUGAR SHANE MOSLEY
SPORTSCASTING
Legendary Play-By-Play Announcer DICK ENBERG (CBS, NBC, ESPN)
Play-By-Play Announcer MATT VASGERSIAN (San Diego Padres, Fox Sports,
NBC)
I highly enjoy the descriptions of some the players on the web site:
LUKE WALTON: “Aside from guard-like passing skills, he also stretches his range past the three-point line, rebounds well, and works hard on his athleticism.” Soooo… he’s not athletic.
BETHANIE MATTEK: “…began playing Tennis at age 5…” “…has recently been playing doubles with the #4 ranked player in the World, Jelena Jankovic.” Fantastic. I began writing at age 4 and had a class with a writer from the show “Roc“- I should charge people $2,000 a day to show them how to write then, huh?
TODD ZEILLE: “Zeile’s final home run also made him the last person ever to hit a home run off a Montreal Expos pitcher.” Is that really an accomplishment?
MATT VASGERSIAN: “He once capped off a home run call with a line from the Pink Floyd song, “Another Brick in the Wall”: “If you don’t eat your meat, how can you have any pudding? How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?”. Similarly, he used a line from the movie Caddyshack to comment on another homer.” Again, how are these accomplishments?
Upon a bit more research, I realized that the little bios on each person is just basically plagiarized from their Wikipedia page.
Anyway, back to the Camp, you don’t have to do all 5 categories. You can only go to the Tennis Camp (for 2 days and $14,000) or the Sportscasting one (1 day and $6,000), but doing an 8-day, all five categories trip saves you $14,000! That’s almost 32% off- you gotta do it!
And act quick! They are only taking 24 people per camp (or 24 people total if everyone wants to do all 5- but the likeliness of that happening is the same as David Stern awarding the Pistons the spot in the Finals just because Chauncey Billups says they are still the better team). I can’t wait to see 24 spoiled brats do the Tennis Camp and then like 3 people in a room where Dick Enberg is going on and on about how to announce the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics with Bob Costas as your co-host when Vasgersian just walks out.
A couple other notes on the Camp: You are limited to 5 items per each Legend/Athlete to sign. And if you have 5 things for Bethanie Mattek to sign (other than 5 Wilson Tennis Balls)- then you got bigger problems than just making bad financial decisions.
And lastly, it’s at the Ritz Carlton in Marina Del Rey. Take a look at their Basketball Court. And their Tennis Courts. Now nowhere does it say you will be playing on these wretched facilities- but you will stay at this hotel and I’d be willing to wager a couple days with Todd Zeile ($9,000) that this is where Richard Jefferson will be showing you how to try really really hard in Celebrity Games.
But don’t worry if you think this camp is a bit on the expensive side: you “will receive either an award or certificate” upon departure from the Camp (depending on which camp you attend). And I thought they were just out for money- my fault on that one.
Ultimate Sports Fantasy Camp - August 11th - 19th, 2007 - Website
