September 19, 2008
Archive for the 'Steven Blannelberry' Category
The newest Internet sensation, Steven Blannelberry, is back. So here is the former Weird Bar Back and the current disease-free man himself:
“Top 10 Sports Headlines in SoCal - 6-7-07 (in order of relevance and importance to the populace):
1. The NBA Playoffs begin tonight!
2. Kobe Bryant took a crap and it smelt like burnt pancakes.
3. V T B, “Vic the Brick Jacobs” a local sports radio host, was there to wipe his ass.
4. The Yankees are 26-31.
5. The Dodgers are 35-24.
6. David Beckham is a homosexual.
7. Kobe Bryant wants to be traded.
8. Kobe Bryant doesn’t want to be traded.
9. Paris Hilton went to jail; today she was released.
10. Michael Jackson created the coalition for “Baby Danglers.” Apparently, in an attempt to legalize dangling babies, specifically nicknamed “blanket,” out 4-8 story buildings.
Maybe you get the picture, maybe not…
In other, non-related, completely trivial, and ultra mundane sports news, the SoCal Shitbirds, aka the Anaheim Ducks, won the most coveted and arguably the most difficult trophy to attain, in all of sports, the Stanley Cup. Does anyone really care in SoCal… who is actually from SoCal? Answer: NO!
A heartfelt congratulations to the Birds. Hopefully, in time, the SoCal people will appreciate the magnitude of this accomplishment, but that’s as likely as sectarian violence ending in the Middle East.”
Back for some more NHL- a recap (and some incomprehensible ramblings), former Sasquatch and current home owner, Steven Blannelberry:
“Although I was way off in my prediction yesterday (I said the SoCal Shitbirds would win 4-3), the birds beat the Ottawa Senators 3-2 in a hard fought, but well-earned, battle- despite the absence of the formidable Defenseman, Chris Pronger. While I ascertained this victory yesterday, what is more imminent now is the win on Wednesday, when the Shitbirds will become the Stanley Cup Champions for the first time in their short history.
On a tangential subject, I was extremely excited to see the “Charles Barkley of the NHL,” Don Cherry, make his appearance during the 2nd Intermission. Cherry, who is well known for his idiosyncratic appearance as well as his sputtering, but staunch, commentary, brought up a great point (in addition to calling Governor Schwarzenegger a Tree-hugger) concerning the well-being of the NHL— He stated, “if you want crowds, keep the fights.” A sentiment that does not sit well with NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman, who has recently made a concerted effort to mitigate the violence in the NHL, particularly, with regards to fighting.
The fact of the matter is, while Cherry is echoing the platitudes of every maple leaf flying, snaggle-tooth loving, (random reference to Canadian artist Avril Lavigne), and mullet sporting Daryl, Wayne, and Gordie; he is correct— Violence is the answer! That’s right, if the NHL wants to increase their fan base, they will stop repressing the very sacred ritual that makes the sport truly unique- bare knuckle boxing on ice skates- and embrace it! Bottom line, more fights = more fans.
Furthermore, for those of you who think I am some made up persona, I have only this to say: Not even the mixed magic and incantations of the following combined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of AZKABAN, Dustin Diammond, Tom Green, and Ryan Gosling can save King James and his minions from their ultimate annihilation at the hand of the mighty and majestic SPURS!!
- The REAL DEAL S. BLANNELBERRY”
With the hockey season about to close, we here at Sports at Random finally decided to get a hockey correspondent (pro-rated salary, of course). So, here is his first entry, former SAG Actor and 2001 Pontiac Sunfire driver, Steven Blannelberry:
“The SoCal Shitbirds will take the ice tonight against the revitalized Ottawa Senators (thanks to a thrilling 5-3 victory over the Shitbirds on Saturday night) without the help of superstar Chris Pronger. Will the absence of the remorseless, vicious, and brutally physical Pronger really make a difference? Answer, NO. The Shitbirds will win the game 4 (prediction 4-3 Birds).
Pronger‘s disposition is a lot like Ivan Drago of Rocky IV- specifically, what comes to mind, is the the scene in which Drago robotically replies, “If he dies, he dies” referring to the carcass, sprawled out in the ring, formerly known as Apollo Creed. Likewise, Pronger displays stoicism in the face of his critics when questioned about his merciless physicality. Pronger refuses to change his style of play, or even acknowledge its ramifications, he stated this in an ESPN press conference:
“I don’t think I can, for me to be the type of player I can be,” Pronger said. “Obviously, it’s a fine line and getting finer every year, and we have to make subtle adjustments. But I don’t think I can make wholesale changes and still be the type of player I can be.”
In other words, Pronger is unapologetic for his aggressiveness and, more importantly, unwilling to modify his game- which, as we’ve seen, involves forearm shivers and elbows to the head. I say, let him play his game! It is part of hockey and sooner or later a “Rocky” figure will come and knock him on his ass- avenging all his victims (McAmmond, Holdstrom). Who knows, maybe Chris Neil is up for the job?
But back to the main point, the Shitbirds will win Game 4 because they are, quite plainly, the better team. Oh yeah, I have dubbed them the “SoCal Shitbirds” because… well, they’re gonna win the Cup and the Sabres are not… And no one in SoCal follows hockey which is incredibly annoying!”